I Wish I Could
by Erra
Summary: Severus receives some post from Lily while he is composing his own letter to her. She writes to him with shocking news. What is Severus' reaction...?


Lily Evans crept downstairs at two-thirty in the morning.

She had been planning this for many weeks now.

She walked slowly towards James' owl and took out her wand, muttering "_Lumos,_" as she illuminated the still creature and its cage. She opened the squeaking cage door and let the tawny owl out.

It hooted and she stiffened. She stayed quiet for another minute before letting out a deep breath. She would die if James woke up while she was downstairs.

This was something he'd never understand her doing.

She lowered her hand into her pocket and took out two pieces of folded parchment. She took a minute to secure these to the owl's leg before opening the window as slowly as she could manage and letting the bird out into the night.

Lily tucked a strand of red hair behind her ear and let her eyes follow the bird until it was no longer visible in the sky.

She closed the window shut and turned on her heel, making her way back upstairs to bed.

As she lay down in bed next to James' snoring figure, she kept a few fingers clasped around the ring on her left hand.

Her fingers stayed like that, imprinting the jewel's shape on her soft hands until she finally fell asleep.

* * *

Severus was writing again, one of his many unsent letters to Lily Evans, in his house on Spinner's End. His letters were always short and choppy. He found himself unable to think straight when he wrote these letters.

He reread the line he had just written in harsh, black ink.

_I wish _I_ could_

He paused.

What did _he_ wish for? No, that was too vague. What did _he_ wish for the both of them? He wished he could have gotten to her first. He wished he could have apologized for his ignorance before it was too late. He wished too much.

Recently, he had started to think about Voldemort and what he had signed himself up for.

He had really, really started to think about it. And he knew, deep down, that he was starting to hate it.

Thank Merlin he could block the Dark Lord out of his mind.

He heard something at the window. Severus stood up, wand out, as he looked out the glass.

A beautiful owl. A very familiar one, too.

Severus took the pieces of parchment from the owl's leg and unfolded them, reading over handwriting he hadn't seen for years, at least other than in the letters and notes he had kept from their past.

His eyes skimmed over the first piece of parchment, looking over the familiar handwriting. He hesitated as he picked up the thicker parchment. It was not handwritten. It was in a blue, blocky type.

Severus' hands clutched the thick paper as he realized what he was looking at. He put it down, barely noticing that he had ripped a hole in it accidentally with one hand.

In a daze, he threw out the letter he had been writing. He made a new one and scribbled down some words and sealed it, putting it down next to her letter and attachment. He ripped off the handwriting at the bottom of her letter, and threw it into the fire.

And then he wept.

* * *

_Dear Sev,_

_I hope you read this first. I know we haven't spoken for years, but I hope you don't dismiss this. I know what you've been up to, but I want you to prove me wrong. Please consider what I have attached. Deep down, I know that you are still the boy I met when I was a little girl._

_Yours,_

__

Lily

* * *

_Lily Evans_

_And James Potter_

_Request the honour of your presence_

_At their marriage_

_On Saturday, the twenty-fifth of June_

_Nineteen seventy-eight_

_At two o'clock in the afternoon_

_Court Park_

_Godric's Hollow_

* * *

_Dearest Lily,_

_You are not mine anymore. In hindsight, I now realize you were yours._

_I wish _I_ could marry you, Lily Evans._

_-Severus_

* * *

It was crowded. Severus kept his head down and turned away whenever someone came close.

Severus hid in the distance, standing behind a few trees not too far off when the ceremony began.

He wondered if he would be able to talk to her, after. He was still wondering until he saw her at the end of the aisle, a vision in a simple white, flowing dress. She was wearing a veil, and her hair was red as ever. Her face was slightly obscured by the veil but Severus saw her face anyways.

Severus could not breathe.

She reached James, and all he could do was watch as the veil lifted up and he saw her glowing expression. Vows were exchanged, Lily and James kissed, and then it was over.

He knew he would not be able to speak to her. But as the guests started to get up, he felt himself gravitate towards the groom and bride.

He found himself weaving his way through the crowd. All he could do was stare. It was as close as he had been to her since their seventh year. She was radiant, even more beautiful than he remembered, even more beautiful than in his dreams. Like an angel.

Lily was talking to an elderly couple, smiling and nodding to their congratulations. She caught Severus' eye as she surveyed the crowd, doing a double-take as she looked again, this time staring.

Severus could not feel his legs, but the familiar pang hit him behind both of his eyes. He could still see her green eyes, even from the distance.

He took one last look at her eyes, thinking he would see them again, maybe. Maybe soon.

He turned on the spot, Apparating.

Severus was mistaken.

The next time he saw her eyes would be thirteen years later, on a day in early September.

* * *

Yay! I'm on quite a roll, I'm spitting out writing quickly! But I have other things planned :)... I hope you enjoyed, this has been sitting around for a long time. I finally wrote the rest! Review if you'd like :D

-E


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